Sunken into my shoes

2015 was so full for us in many ways.. To name a few.. celebrating Luke’s first year with us in March, saying goodbye to a multiple family members much too soon and unexpectedly, to discovering we were pregnant in June, then finding out she’s a she(!) in September, being sick as a dog through a whole heck of a lot of the pregnancy, to our ministry life being turned upside down / shaken up (in a good way), to new friends, old friends, learning new things, and making mistakes for the tenth time and having to apologize especially often 🙂

Continue reading “Sunken into my shoes”

A few thoughts jotted down

Hello stranger! I say stranger for no fault of your own, it’s absolutely me.. I’ve been behind on all my blogging adventures 🙂 Although it doesn’t show here, things have been good, nay great! The things that occupy our days?.. Our busy little 9-month-old, pastoring the youth and interns of our church, all of the Christmas parties, rain storms, finishing up our handmade gifts, wind storms, visiting with family, friends, trips to San Francisco, journaling here and there and the eternal work of cleaning our house! Whew. There were a few Hallmark Christmas movies in the mix there as well because we have to get some priorities straight 🙂 Continue reading “A few thoughts jotted down”

A name change!

I changed our blog name friends! It’s been a longtime coming (in my mind) but it’s been awhile since I had a chance to play with all the details. Just simplifying a little by using (duh duh duh).. my name! Fancy that.. Meanwhile, my old domain will be redirectin’ ya here to:

Happy spring cleaning to you!

Little pauses

It’s the moment in between it all. The trash is out, some of the dishes have been put away, yesterday’s mail (bills) have been thumbed through and everyone’s needs are momentarily met. I can lean in close and hear his little breaths ever so quietly and the hum of the fan in the background as I carefully walk out of his room and gingerly close the door.

It’s the peaceful break in all the busyness of his day and mine that’s become so much more treasured than ever before. I can scan and flip through the pages of the book I’m working through, mix a spoonful of sugar into my hot tea and prop my feet up on our coffee table, with mid-morning light strewn on my toes, which are resting on a soft, velvet blanket. Or he’s in the stroller and we’re making our way down our block, which leads down to the water, where we can stroll in the salty air. Or less glamorously like this moment now, where I type away at my laptop voraciously indulging my acai bowl 🙂

I treasure these little pauses. Pauses that are—by no means—ignoring all that there is to do, but with the full understanding of how smart it would be to not take a break, still break wholeheartedly. My maternity leave has not been a vacation (which..who really thinks it will be?!? ..ok maybe me 🙂 but more a block of time where we get to know our baby boy, as well as establish our family—time together, rest together, being fully engaged in the other areas of our life but still running on all cylinders with our family. It’s all such an adjustment and it takes time since we’re discovering things for the first time again.

In all this newness, I find that rest has become more important than before, something not to disregard or leave for later. Something that gives me more opportunity to do things with a sound mind, more motivation and out of bounty rather than a deficit. Do I need to schedule rest? Perhaps I’d hope not to need to, but in this season, I do—and I’m not ashamed of that! I’m mastering my resting skills more than I ever have before and finding the fruit, life and benefit of those little pauses in my day that benefit myself, my family and how I serve God 🙂

Hope you find your little moment of rest today!

**A moment from our first family walk 🙂

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” ―John Lubbock

Full time little boy wrangler

wouldn’t ya say little boys need a full time wrangler? most little boys i know at least! well i am pleased to say that as of valentine’s day, i will cease + desist my 9-5 (for good!) and have the pleasure of taking up a career in being a maja, or mother as they call it, and i’m kind of freakin’ out in the best of ways.
it’s bittersweet to leave my job. but let’s be real though—hardest thing to leave is always the people (thankfully i can still figure out ways to see them!). but it’s all getting sweeter by the day because i cannot wait to be a full-time mom.
i never really pictured myself taking off a year or more of work to raise babes. my mom was a working woman my whole life (let’s say it more how it was—a high powered business woman, yeah mom!) but still made things work so that i never had a nanny, etc.
i watched her work hard and gained so much from seeing her in that arena, from how she problem solved to her tenacity to her perseverance. i still watch that and absolutely admire it. and for every ounce of hard work she’d give, she always knew how to unwind in the best of ways (still does! as i write this, she’s at a spa with friends in the rocky mountains!).
so i pictured that same thing for myself, as we sometimes do, which is not bad or good but more just was. and i know we’re just getting out the gate here, but i am excited to see what sort of turn this all takes. who really knows! i may be like a few friends of mine who lasted six months and then needed something part time. i could also end up loving it and never want to work a 9-5 again (hmm!).
but regardless of what’s down the road, as of this moment, i couldn’t be more excited. things are about to be turned upside down. i’m already thinking of all the different outings we’ll need to plan into our week so i don’t flip my house upside down (we’re in cozy quarters at the moment), but i can’t wait! i’m excited to be right alongside and watch our son discover life.
am i less excited about being the only one to handle the blowouts during the daytime hours? that’s more of a meh, but you know, bring it on!
to my dear job, i wouldn’t say i loved you ever, but i’m sure thankful for the people i got to know because of it all. but i’m welcoming this mommy thang with open arms and hoping i come out not smelling too much like poo.
but you’ll still like me, right? even if i do, right.. you know..
smell like poo.
images found here, here and here.

a few thoughts on this new year

2014 hit me like a ton of bricks.. albeit a big pile of those fun, soft, float in the bathtub sort of bricks. the new year has felt so far away from me, but here we are six days in.

this means that our baby is coming in just about two months!? i don’t even know how to express how out of body weird that is for me: exciting. scary. sobering. lovely. but mostly freakin’ unbelievable how fast it has all gone. i always hear how pregnancies are such a tediously long thing. in my mind, there is so so much to do and prepare for! but in true vacation fashion, we spent the majority of our christmas slash new years break watching movie marathons and not regretting a single moment.

this year, i’m looking forward to all the new. i have no idea what to expect and what life will look like in a few months—not a clue. everything will be turned upside down, but i’m so very excited. i have a feeling i will have the chance to get to the end of myself once again, realize where i’m weak and hopefully where i’m strong, the places where james and i are completely inadequate and then the places where we have that ‘mommy and daddy’ love oozing out from deep in ourselves.

so my deep desire and hope for this year is overflow. for that rich moment when things that are lacking no longer present themselves as obstacles and hurdles, but rather the very place of god’s overflowing grace and confidence.. and getting to be right where we’re supposed to, unprepared and all. and thankfully, baby can always sleep in a basket, and that’s a very good place to sleep 🙂

image from here.

beautiful evenings + giving

these wintry sunsets have been stunning! i snapped these before i left work yesterday. it’s incredible how quickly wintertime has snuck up on me! i feel like i’m barely just soaking in the christmas season and christmas is less than a week away (how thankful are we all for amazon prime, people!!).
in the midst of the busyness, i’ve tried to focus on how i can continue to give of myself to others.. we don’t have a whole lot to give financially this year, but the same principle goes for my time. even in small things like planning gifts for my secret santa, giving my time to have a coffee with someone who needs a listening ear, or filling in during a children’s production with help where there is lack or a need (and that’s just plain cute too). even though it’s not what i thought ‘giving’ would look like this christmas, it’s what i’ve got to give! need ideas? i liked these.
i hold it close to my heart that christmas season is hard for many. i’m so thankful for wonderful memories to pull from in my life but i know so many who don’t. however i can bring some of that to others and be apart of rewriting this season in other’s lives, i try to do. i felt like gk said it best 🙂 “If I can put one touch of rosy sunset into the life of any man or woman, I shall feel that I have worked with God.” Gilbert K. Chesterton
so here’s to a season of giving and rewriting and putting a bit of rosy sunset into one another’s lives. merry christmas season to you! ❤

This is for today

poster found here

i am a slow processor when it comes to life changing movements. i brood a bit and like a stew, i need all the flavors and juices and heat to brew everything together a little before things taste complete. i’d even say that i love new things because i know in my life, new things have proven to be blessings—times that stretch me, allowing me to be refined more than before.

but it always takes time.

being pregnant has been a change i’ve seen unfold right before my eyes. as much as i try and prepared my heart and mind once seeing our positive test, there’s nothing that can truly prepare us. all our friends’ stories, seeing little babies being born around us our whole lives, it’s all different when it comes to your [growing] baby and your body and your husband. your family. when something that’s been one way for a long time is suddenly uprooted or will be uprooted, my go-to response is to become a control freak, and by control freak, i do mean i freak 🙂 i’m quick to question how everything will look and taking it upon myself to figure it out. and it always ends up completely robbing me. well, not only me, but my husband, my loved ones and the ability to allow jesus to help me. to lean on god’s understanding and his covering over our family.
in march of this year, james and i attended a special night to hear from a visiting pastor (a swiss pastor) that we love and know and trust. he shared something and then offered to pray for those that were there. i’m usually first in line to receive prayer [for the most part] but this evening i felt really hesitant. i saw james with everyone else, offering to help pray, but i felt so awkward and out of place (this wasn’t a new atmosphere for me). i mentioned this to another pastor in the room and he said that when he feels any hesitancy for things like this, he dives in head first because he’s usually not the only one. so i decided i’d do the same, dive in for all the many friends around me who were maybe feeling like this moment wasn’t for them. i walked up to ‘wait in line’ so to say and a few friends nudged me to the front and our visiting friend began to pray for me, and james came to join me.
it was the strangest thing but everything he prayed for us was profound. not because of him, but because of the way god used him to pray something specific. he prayed many things but something along the lines of ‘be fruitful and multiply’. james and i had talked about having kids and knew we wanted babies sometime, but weren’t quite there. after that moment, i knew that it was time and i was so scared but also settled with so much peace.
i might just be the slow one but having babies was something so incredibly daunting, wonderful, terrifying and dream-worthy all at once and i never felt the courage to just go for it. but this was my courage and my open door. for all the many obstacles (not physically, more practical and in my heart) and unanswered questions i’ve experienced throughout the last six months, i am amazed at how much i’ve been able to let go and wait on. that is so unnatural for me. but it’s been possible.
this special boy james and i have made, that god has graciously woven together in my womb, is growing more and more, and with him so is my hope, excitement and trust for our future. were we born to do this, perhaps, but god has given us the opportunity, and the things he gives are good, so i trust him. i have many questions, but i am confident. i have many fears, but i am not afraid.

November rainstorm

when rain comes around, i talk about it all the time, take pictures of wet pavement, jump in puddles, sleep in a little longer and write endless draft posts about how i heard it pitter patter or storm at night. rain makes me wax poetic and spurs on some serious introspection. it stops me in my tracks. it’s a serious thing people, that rain.
i find that i’m very agreeable with the automatic permission i grant myself for the consumption of baked goods and hot chocolate during a storm. and this is all best accompanied by log burning fire scent. it’s a particularly wonderful thing when, on a saturday night, you find james and i in a mess of blankets on the couch, lit only by the buzz of an iphone in the far off other side of the room land, watching joe fox tell kathleen kelly not to cry at the 91st street garden and the rain starts to pour (here, not there).
mind you my husband was in and out of sleep and tearing up a little, which i made up for by straight up weeping. and for some reason, we felt dmx and stephen seagal in exit wounds was an appropriate followup movie, cause that’s how we roll.

all that to say, i love that rain and despite the popular—however untrue—children’s rhyme…i’m totally pleased if the rain comes back again!

Five things about me

it’s the five things post! and i’m doing one (which means i can use any picture i want, like this fun old one with fur and striped walls)! thanks to anna for tagging me..isn’t she the sweetest! i, too, do these ‘tagged’ posts from time to time but they are always really super duper hard for me for some reason! i always rack my brain for way too long trying to think through what’s actually interesting and also just trying to remember anything at all 🙂 which brings me to…
one// i don’t have an awesome memory. it’s a bit selective. i can remember certain things really specifically, like disneyland’s layout of lands or when a specific bill is due or the day i got engaged (november 24 2010). but then other things not so much. like where i put things (ugh! sorry husband and everyone ever..), whether or not i saw a movie (i usually know when the title comes up or sometimes halfway through), who dated who (sometimes this proves awkward), etc. yes, so that stuff [everything basically] is not so sharp 🙂
two// i’ve never lived further than five minutes walk (and at one point, a five minute drive) from the ocean. while i’m guessing i [maybe] could survive ‘not’ living near it, i think i’d need some humongous pool or lake with some sort of breeze to keep my sanity.
three// something that makes me all wobbly and uncomfortable is when people talk with a bubble in their throat. you know, when they’re right on the verge of clearing their throat, but said throat clearing hasn’t occurred yet. i mask it well nowadays, but back in the day, i used to come right out and tell somebody ‘ahh! please clear your throat!’ because i was sure i would explode .. what an obnoxious little high schooler was i!
four// i was an english major! although for some reason, english majors don’t say ‘i was’ an english major, you continually ‘are’ an english major. because apparently being an english major has something to do with your person and character more than it does a major or set of studies! because of that, i retype and reformat and rehash and re-edit and re-analyze until i’m blue in the face and nearly somewhat pleased. however, that’s rare 🙂 i’m not totally like that in other parts of my life would know if you saw my closet right now (cone of shame). oh yes!! i also do submission editing for a literary journal in town which gives me warm fuzzy feelings inside my heart!
five// i am an extremely merciful person. even when i don’t want to be—because yes, there are times you don’t want to be, people! maybe this will change up with children (please change with children!), but usually, if i’m going to have a conversation with someone who has been way out of line, i often have to practice showing not-so-much mercy before i go have it (thanks to james who lets me practice with him). anytime there’s not extreme mercy, it’s most likely come with serious discipline on my end. if ever need somebody to sugarcoat something with love and mercy and all that is pc, it’s me! someboddayy stop me!
that’s all i got!
now i’m tagging you (reader) because you’re awesome 🙂 and i’m also tagging you lovely ladieschantal | mariesierra | emmakatie | and lisa because i miss her