2014 hit me like a ton of bricks.. albeit a big pile of those fun, soft, float in the bathtub sort of bricks. the new year has felt so far away from me, but here we are six days in.
this means that our baby is coming in just about two months!? i don’t even know how to express how out of body weird that is for me: exciting. scary. sobering. lovely. but mostly freakin’ unbelievable how fast it has all gone. i always hear how pregnancies are such a tediously long thing. in my mind, there is so so much to do and prepare for! but in true vacation fashion, we spent the majority of our christmas slash new years break watching movie marathons and not regretting a single moment.
this year, i’m looking forward to all the new. i have no idea what to expect and what life will look like in a few months—not a clue. everything will be turned upside down, but i’m so very excited. i have a feeling i will have the chance to get to the end of myself once again, realize where i’m weak and hopefully where i’m strong, the places where james and i are completely inadequate and then the places where we have that ‘mommy and daddy’ love oozing out from deep in ourselves.
so my deep desire and hope for this year is overflow. for that rich moment when things that are lacking no longer present themselves as obstacles and hurdles, but rather the very place of god’s overflowing grace and confidence.. and getting to be right where we’re supposed to, unprepared and all. and thankfully, baby can always sleep in a basket, and that’s a very good place to sleep 🙂
image from here.
but it always takes time.
all that to say, i love that rain and despite the popular—however untrue—children’s rhyme…i’m totally pleased if the rain comes back again!
but words do not come. they rush and flow and tumble, all crashing about my mind like a surge, pulling back and becoming quiet again. it seems. my thoughts are like a swell: the spray of an idea and a surge of inspiration rolling and rumbling together, trying to grasp something or the other, but clutching nothing in particular.
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i never knew how much understanding i lacked until this week—okay, well i was pretty aware, but it’s like a constant wake up call with cold water to the face…special hmm. but it seems that i know my weaknesses more all the time! when i was eighteen, twenty, twenty-two: i felt like life was so conquerable..i knew what was what. and at twenty-five, i see more and more how all of my plans have been so teensy-tiny in comparison to god’s major plan. my big picture view is/was/will be so askew.
so here i am, constantly finding myself clutching for my own understanding and always coming up null. i know it’s not cruel that god doesn’t let me conquer things on my own. i know that he knows that i know that i just don’t need to know. i don’t! i don’t need to know what’s at every corner and have life so figured out. yet time after time, i smack my head against the wall trying to figure it anyways, relying on myself and getting stuck to the point of desperation.
hello today. that’s exactly where i was. so consumed with all the things i have to figure out + do on my own. all by myself, woman on an island, the whole shebang! so much so that one of my coworkers is leaving cookies on my stinkin desk because i’m so distracted (thanks by the way).
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sometimes in the summer the fog is so bad here in santa cruz. you just wait and wait and wait for the marine layer to peel away and for the sun to come gushing through with all it’s warmth and wonderfulness. but when it comes back in the evening as you’re cozying up to a bonfire, it’s just perfect, some relief from that heat. it’s lovely.
the best advice as an english major i ever received from a professor (or anyone in fact) was so simple, it’s stupid. she said, sit down..and write. don’t outline it. don’t think too hard. write! put your fingers to the keyboard, pen to your pad and write away. at first, i felt so silly just writing away, scribbling away my sometimes disconnected ideas and passions. but over time, i realized that it was the only way for me to begin. everything else came out too calculated.