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i am a slow processor when it comes to life changing movements. i brood a bit and like a stew, i need all the flavors and juices and heat to brew everything together a little before things taste complete. i’d even say that i love new things because i know in my life, new things have proven to be blessings—times that stretch me, allowing me to be refined more than before.
but it always takes time.
being pregnant has been a change i’ve seen unfold right before my eyes. as much as i try and prepared my heart and mind once seeing our positive test, there’s nothing that can truly prepare us. all our friends’ stories, seeing little babies being born around us our whole lives, it’s all different when it comes to your [growing] baby and your body and your husband. your family. when something that’s been one way for a long time is suddenly uprooted or will be uprooted, my go-to response is to become a control freak, and by control freak, i do mean i freak 🙂 i’m quick to question how everything will look and taking it upon myself to figure it out. and it always ends up completely robbing me. well, not only me, but my husband, my loved ones and the ability to allow jesus to help me. to lean on god’s understanding and his covering over our family.
in march of this year, james and i attended a special night to hear from a visiting pastor (a swiss pastor) that we love and know and trust. he shared something and then offered to pray for those that were there. i’m usually first in line to receive prayer [for the most part] but this evening i felt really hesitant. i saw james with everyone else, offering to help pray, but i felt so awkward and out of place (this wasn’t a new atmosphere for me). i mentioned this to another pastor in the room and he said that when he feels any hesitancy for things like this, he dives in head first because he’s usually not the only one. so i decided i’d do the same, dive in for all the many friends around me who were maybe feeling like this moment wasn’t for them. i walked up to ‘wait in line’ so to say and a few friends nudged me to the front and our visiting friend began to pray for me, and james came to join me.
it was the strangest thing but everything he prayed for us was profound. not because of him, but because of the way god used him to pray something specific. he prayed many things but something along the lines of ‘be fruitful and multiply’. james and i had talked about having kids and knew we wanted babies sometime, but weren’t quite there. after that moment, i knew that it was time and i was so scared but also settled with so much peace.
i might just be the slow one but having babies was something so incredibly daunting, wonderful, terrifying and dream-worthy all at once and i never felt the courage to just go for it. but this was my courage and my open door. for all the many obstacles (not physically, more practical and in my heart) and unanswered questions i’ve experienced throughout the last six months, i am amazed at how much i’ve been able to let go and wait on. that is so unnatural for me. but it’s been possible.
this special boy james and i have made, that god has graciously woven together in my womb, is growing more and more, and with him so is my hope, excitement and trust for our future. were we born to do this, perhaps, but god has given us the opportunity, and the things he gives are good, so i trust him. i have many questions, but i am confident. i have many fears, but i am not afraid.